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I don't know what's wrong with my television set. I was getting C-Span and the Home Shopping Network on the same station. I actually bought a congressman.

Bruce Baum

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USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population.

David Letterman

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My grandfather's a little forgetful, but he likes to give me advice. One day, he took me aside and left me there.

Ron Richards