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Letter from the Illinois Department of Public Aid Rotarians, be patriotic! Learn to shoot yourself.

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I think that's how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough. Let's go west.'

Richard Jeni

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My mom said she learned how to swim. Someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. That's how she learned how to swim. I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.'

Paula Poundstone