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""I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three."--Elayne Boosler "

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"Beginning in February 1976 your assistance benefits will be discontinued. Reason: it has been reported to our office that you expired on January 1, 1976. "

To alcohol! The cause of- and solution to- all of life's problems

Homer

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Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life.

Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for a federal anti-smoking campaign

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I don't know what's wrong with my television set. I was getting C-Span and the Home Shopping Network on the same station. I actually bought a congressman.

Bruce Baum

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I have such poor vision I can date anybody.

Garry Shandling

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There are two types of people in this world, good and bad. The good sleep better, but the bad seem to enjoy the waking hours much more.unknown

There are two types of people in this world, good and bad. The good sleep better, but the bad seem to enjoy the waking hours much more.

unknown

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