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""I think that's how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough. Let's go west.' "--Richard Jeni "

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"I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They always say because it's such a beautiful animal. There you go. I think my mother is attractive, but I have photographs of her."

Ellen DeGeneres

Lisa, remember me as I am - filled with murderous rage. (y2k disaster)

Homer

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I've been doing the Fonda workout: the Peter Fonda workout. That's where I wake up, take a hit of acid, smoke a joint, and go to my sister's house and ask her for money.

Kevin Meaney

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There are 3 kinds of people:Those who can count,and those who cannot.

George Carlin

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USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population.

David Letterman

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There are two types of people in this world, good and bad. The good sleep better, but the bad seem to enjoy the waking hours much more.unknown

There are two types of people in this world, good and bad. The good sleep better, but the bad seem to enjoy the waking hours much more.

unknown

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